I just want to be me

   I hate this, I hate this, I hate this…. uuggghhh. I’m so miserable all the time and today has been a hard one.  I’m in so much pain.  I’m so super tired.  I napped for like I think 5 hours.  I hate sleeping my life away.  I’m also so freaking week.  My brain is nothing but a fog.  I can’t think straight.  I feel like I have a fever but I don’t. My legs, my knees.. ugh. My life…. My life is so painful and so hard to deal with.  I hate it when I have to stop.  Just stop Mic.  Ugh … No.  No because I want to keep being me.  I want to keep caring for my loves.  I don’t want to stop these things.  I want to be me!  It’s so hard to convince myself when I need to slow down and stop. I keep telling myself in my head but I typically don’t listen until it puts me out. Lays me down. No options available.  I hate this life. I hate living this way. I just want to be me. I just want to be Mic. I just want to be Mom. I just want to be babe and Meme, daughter and sister.  I just want to be me!

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This is my life

   So my last few weeks, I’ve escalated pain, lots of leg cramps or leg pain period. I feel like I need to stretch them non-stop to subside the pain. It don’t cure it but ohhh how wonderful the stretch feels while it lasts. ๐Ÿ’š 

   but Ughhh the pain.  Plus the stairs are so hard to deal with. So I just yell up the stairs at the top of my crazy lady lungs to my children. How lovely. โ˜บ 

    I just feel like shit…period!    Weak and so so very sleepy.  Like I haven’t slept in days.  I just drag ass as I go trough my miserable days. When all I really want to do is lay down and watch tv until I fall asleep. 

   I just always feel like I’m non-stop on the edge of sickness and I often tumble over that line and do feel sick. 

   I just want to sleep. Not take care of others. Only baby myself.  Because I feel like I can’t. I just can’t do life. Just can’t do what’s expected of me.  I Just don’t have it in me.  

   Then I’ve been so emotional as well. I’ve been fighting that urge to cry with all my might.  I know nobody wants to see or hear that.  

   Me. Cry about my pain again…. my legs, my emotions.  I’m so tired. I can’t take it.  My legs need stretched, They hurt, I feel sick, I’m sorry but I can’t, I don’t have the energy, my body hurts.   Or hear me cry about my feelings.  I feel sad, I’m a failure, I wanna cry….Nope – nobody wants to hear any of that.  Hell, me either.  I’m sick of it so, I know everyone around me has to be too…

  I don’t know.  Ugh… Why is this so hard.  I can’t live like this forever.  My life hurts. Everything inside my skin hurts and is broken.  

   I hate it!  I hate this! I hate that this is my forever life… Why why why why?  

   Also to ad insult to injury – I have the psychiatrist issue.  I really feel like fuck it. I’m over it. I just can’t deal right now. 

   This is my life๐Ÿ˜ข

She can’t take me! What??

When the person or psychiatrist who you think is your new psychiatrist decides to tell you, after a long wait- that she can’t take you because she can’t take your insurance. This is after she’s already said she would take you and is now telling me I can call my insurance company and give them her ID and get a pre-approval so I can see her. Like what? I feel so confused… She had said she would see me after her vacation.  We would set up an appointment. I wait and wait and wait. She never calls like she said she would. So finally I get a hold of her and she said she can’t take me because she don’t take my insurance.  What is going on?? Ughhh..

Tom Petty

Ugh… :(((((

ย  ย I’m truly upset about the passing of the amazing singer Tom Petty. He is/was amazing!! Hands Down!!

I fell in love with his music a long time ago. Back somewhere in the 90’s when I was around 13 or 14 years old. He was someone my mother had always loved And she still does. Her all time favorite song is Tom Pettys Free Fallin…. Great amazing song I must say my self…

ย  ย So I grew up listing to him all my life but it wasn’t until my childhood best friend Brandy and I totally dove into rock music and just fell in love with it.

ย  ย It was such a great time in life. Exploring music and experiencing life. Finding out what we really liked and what we didn’t.. We fell hard for rock music And of course Tom Petty was a favorite. His music can just sooth your soul…. It can inspire you, Make you feel good about your self, And lift your burdens.

ย  ย Just play it loud and listen. That’s it. No talking. Just put your head back, close your eyes and listen. I promise you will feel so relaxed… Oh Tom Petty, I miss you already.

ย  ย Try it with You don’t know how it feels or Free Fallin. Amazing songs!!! โคย 

ย  ย TomPetty and the heart breakers….

ย  ย Now I’m not saying you need to smoke anything either. :)) because you don’t. Just be you. ๐Ÿ™‚

ย  ย But yes, even to this day. Over 20 years later, I will listen to my Tom Petty music simply to relax myself, de-stress my mind and soul.

ย  ย (Without smoking anything) (Honestly people. you don’t need to smoke anything to enjoy his music!! I promis)

ย  ย Thank you Tom Petty for always being there when I needed you and for all the hard times you’ve gotten me through. On behalf of the world I truly thank you for your amazing music and all the emotional help it has done for us all ๐Ÿ™‚ย  ย Tom Petty โค Ugh. :((

He will truly be missed.ย 

 

Mary Jane’s Last Dance-1993,

Free Fallin-1989,

You Don’t Know How It Feels-1994,

Here Comes My Girl-1980,

American Girl-1977,

Breakdown-1977,

Change of Heart-1983,

Don’t Come Around Here No More-1985,

Don’t Do Me Like That-1979,

A Face In The Crowd-1990,

Learning To Fly-1991,

Listen To Her Heart-1978,

I Won’t Back Down-1989

 

In Memory of The GREAT Tom Petty!!

ย Tom Petty In Hershey Park Stadium

 

Smacked right in the face

   Man o’mighty this fibromyalgia.     I know I haven’t posted in a little while. I usually try to at least post once a week. I had been working on my new business on eBay which is now legit and my business name is Rustic Purple.  Which I think is beautiful. Also my favorite color is purple but I’m a legit business owner now. ๐Ÿ˜Š So exciting! 

   Of  course I’m still in the process of learning so much and trying to grow. You can actually make a store  (which honestly I never even knew existed. Because whenever I’ve searched on eBay I’d just type in what I want and the stuff would just show up. I didn’t know people had stores on there.)๐Ÿค” I’m learning so much.  And after I’m with eBay for 90 days then I can open my own “store” which will give me better options and promotions. And I’ll make more money that way. ๐Ÿ’ฒ(The goal) Right now I just have a page I guess or I don’t really know what I have. Lol I’m still learning and I have to learn about the taxes and all the legal watt not too.  Way more than i thought… For sure. 

   Anyways that being said that’s why I’ve been missing or absent or  MIA . I’ve been building on my new business.  I still love my blog. I’ll always love my blog.  ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’–  I still want to blog at least weekly. So I apologize that I haven’t been around.  

   Soooo, oh my gosh, I thought I was doing pretty good with my fibromyalgia. Just normal pains here and there. The normal kind that I’m used to. That I can push thru and live.  I wanted to move my room around and deep clean a couple days ago. Thinking I’m in control of my own body. Ha… I can do what I want, when I want, how I want, ya right. Fibromyalgia ๐Ÿ˜ก๐Ÿ˜ตsmacked me right in the face and I fell over like no joke. ๐Ÿค• I couldn’t move. I had nooo energy. I was laid out and all I did was sleep. I was in so much pain. The pain is still going on. It’s been a few days. Complete no energy like if you try to pick your head up but you can’t because you just don’t have the energy.  I mean if you’re a woman and you’ve given birth it’s similar to after you give birth. How you have no energy. That’s basically how I was. Plus every bit and piece of my body hurt. I felt like I got run over by a semi a few different times. 

   My husband did give me a body massage. He even massaged my arms, my hands, everything.. Which felt awesome. Maybe that’s what helped me come out of my funk. I don’t know but the body massage was last night and I’m moving again today.  I’m not saying I’m out of pain cuz that’ll never happen but I can move. Like get my bullheadedness together and keep going in life kind of a situation and that’s what I’m doing. 

   Of course nobody did the dishes, so I had to do them this morning. I can’t stand dirty dishes.  Ugh ๐Ÿ˜ซThey were like pilled up from a day and a half or something. Lovely. Thank you family. 

   Anyways I wanted to let you know how I’ve been doing and vent a little.๐Ÿ˜ Obviously that’s what I do here.lol. I vent and some people care about what I have to say and some don’t. Aparently you guys do and my family’s kind of sick of hearing it but they do love me. I’m not trying to say something mean. 

   oh yeah, and then I had to run to town which is 15-20 minutes to my Pharmacy. Almost an hour round trip to pick up my medication. I did not feel like running to town but you do what you got to do. 

   Also I don’t want to forget a shout out to my amazing mother-in-law because yesterday when I was fibro sick she made lasagna for the family to eat for dinner.  That was awesome. Diane you rock! Thanks, your the best and it was delicious.  

   So today I got me a monster to help with the energy. I know I know it’s not the best thing to do. I know but oh my gosh I got to go clean my house. At least as much as I can handle. Because it’s a mess.  

   Of course my Kaegen needed me. He just kept saying he wants to go home to Aunt Mimi’s house. Poor guy.  So yes I got him.  

   Well, thanks for listing๐Ÿ˜Š               Rant over.

Hot,cold/Old, run/Fun

   Oh my gosh, Today has been a crazy day. Hot flashes๐Ÿ˜ฉ and then freezing.โ„ I don’t know what the freezing  flashes are really called, so I will just call them freeze flashes. So they are hot flashes and freeze flashes. 

   Anyway they have been crazy today.  I’m in Ohio and the high today was 75, so it was a decent day but one minute I would feel like it’s a hundred degrees and I’m going to die if I don’t get these clothes off and then the next minute I am absolutely freezing like I’m laying in the snow butt naked.โ˜ƒ It drives me crazy when this happens. I know it’s just one of my fibro things but holy macaroni it’s crazy. 

   I also wanted to note that I’m now the mother of a 17 year old… WOW….๐Ÿ’š MY BABY GREW TO FAST! SLOW DOWN! SO BITTER SWEET! ๐Ÿ’™ My oldest child is my son Naven and his birthday was Friday the 1st of September. ๐ŸŽ‰ He is now 17 years old and yes it makes me feel old. ๐Ÿ˜„Haha.

   We had such a lovely day. We started off at home with the birthday song ๐ŸŽถ and extra chocolate cake ๐ŸŽ‚ and finally gifts. ๐ŸŽ  

   He got a Wolverine claw and all of the blades are really sharp.  It’s a real claw. He collects swords, Claws,  knives and things that are unique like that. ๐Ÿ—ก He’s very responsible with his collection and it’s something him and his grandfather do together. ๐Ÿ‘ด  Naven is the only grandson so it’s their own special thing. So we don’t mind. His little sister is the parson who got him the Wolverine claw. ๐Ÿ‘ซ She had saved up money so she could buy it for him. ( so cute! ) ๐Ÿ’™ His girlfriend got him a poster he’s been wanting and he got a lot of cash. ๐Ÿ’ฐ I think cash is just easier with older kids, and that’s what he had asked us for so that’s what we gave him. ๐Ÿ’ต 

   He had also asked for a family dinner night. ๐Ÿ๐Ÿช๐Ÿฝ So we started off  eating dinner at Skyline which is Navens ultimate favorite food/ place to eat.  

   Then we did a little shopping at a few places. ๐Ÿ› T.J.Maxx, five & below and Game stop. ๐ŸŽฎ We had such a great family night. ๐Ÿ‘ช It was just awesome. ๐Ÿ’ž It was my self,  my husband, my son naven who turned 17, his sister and of course the love of his life his girlfriend. ๐Ÿ˜ So It was the five of us. ๐Ÿ–‘  We had a great family night.  

   Then man oh mighty it hit me later. I felt so exhausted. ๐Ÿ˜” I had no energy at all when I got home.  I laid down and just couldn’t move. ๐Ÿ›  Ugh. 

   The next day I had to go to my daughter’s cross country meet. ๐Ÿƒ Thank goodness it wasn’t one that had a lot of walking for me to do because most of the meets do. ๐Ÿšถ Anyhow, she did really good. She did PR which means she beat her previous fastest 2 mile run time. ๐Ÿƒ She’s now at 15:43. Which is awesome.  Just so awesome. 

   Her fastest speed in cross-country history since she started last year in 7th grade was 14:52. Sooo, we know she can go faster but the season just started. 

   It also really does count on what you eat, drink and how you treat your body. And… Definitely the night before. But she had obviously went with us for Navens birthday evening. So yes she ate Skyline and drank pop instead of water. ๐Ÿต Which nothing that night was ideal for preparation for a cross country meet.  But, all that I  mind and she still ran 2 miles in 15:43. I sure can’t do that.  I’d still be at the starting  line today. Haha. I’m not a runner at all.  I never was.  She gets her love for running from dad. ๐Ÿ’›

    Anyway,  it was a fabulous weekend. ๐Ÿ’– I know we have some cookouts ๐Ÿ”๐ŸŒญ tomorrow for the Labor Day holiday but I just wanted to kind of vent about these hot flashes and Freeze flashes that are driving me insane.  Thanks for listening.๐Ÿ˜Š

    Texting psychiatrist

       So I have mentioned in the past on a different post’s that my pain management doctor said that I wouldn’t be in so much pain if I would just accept the fact that I had fibromyalgia right? Which is crazy because I think I have but anyway. So he referred me to a psychiatrist. The first one they referred me to never called Nothing NADA zip zilch. So I’m like okay whatever so I tried to call pain management to let them know but they never got back ahold of me either.  So when I went back for my check up with my pain management doctor I guess to see how the psychiatrist appointments were going and if they were helping any but of course I hadn’t been to one.  So I told him the story.   So that was a fast appointment.  Totally useless. So he referred me to another psychiatrist which I again didn’t hear anything. But also this time it’s a man.  The first psychiatrist was a woman then the second one was a man. And I kind of started thinking after a minute like I don’t know that I’m going to really open up to a guy. I know the point is for me to open up to somebody or whatever and I don’t know that I would so it would all be pointless. I definitely  wouldn’t be real and on a deep level. I just know my self. Not to mention I always look everybody up (always research) and this guy didn’t have the best referrals or reviews or anything like that annnnd, when I talked to my primary doctor he looked at my referral notes and seen who I was referred to he kind of made some comments like, well you know if you need to be referred to somebody else let us know and it won’t be a problem to refer you to someone else. And if he don’t know what this means (talking about his notes) then he’s not very good at his job. Her really said little things like that.  Just the way he was talking made me think like he has heard something about this guy. That maybe her really thinks this guy this psychiatrist isn’t the best. So all that kind of made me rethink about even giving him a try.  Kinda scared me away.  So, I was thinking and I called my primary doctor today because it’s been a little while and I still haven’t heard from that guy. I told them that I would really rather have a woman because I’m just not going to open up to a guy like that and she said that’s completely fine. She said I could look up and find anybody I want and I can pick who I want make sure they took my insurance and they will send a referral over to whoever I feel like I’d be comfortable with. Which it was awesome I did not expect that at all so I went through and I researched. I look at this person and that person. I called a couple places and these doctors aren’t there anymore and then I found one. She’s like a holistic type of a psychiatrist. She don’t prescribe addictive medication and she’s about the mind and body.  I’m not sure what it’s really going to be like.  I’ve never been to a holistic Dr.  It all just sounded really good. She looked a little young but seemed so perfect.  So I ended up calling her office and she happened to be the one to answer the phone. She sounded really nice on the phone she said she would take me as her patient and she didn’t personally need a referral but if my doctor’s office did that was fine. That she will wait on my referral. She was going to text me her fax number so I can give it to my doctors and when she did that she talked to me a little bit over text. I told her to look out for my name and she said which office I said Columbus and it just feels so good and it’s so crazy that I was texting my psychiatrist before I  even ever met her. Sor tomorrow I will call my primary doctor’s office and give them all the information so they can send my referral  ASAP. Then when I go there hopefully she really can help me in some kind of way in this journey of mine but I just thought it was a little bit different. The whole process that I went through to find a psychiatrist. Who I end up speaking to on the phone and texting on my phone. I feel really comfortable. I feel really good about it and I will keep you posted. 

    Not Alzheimer’s

       So I went to my primary doctor the other day for a regular fibro check-up and he was reading his notes on the computer from my pain management doctors office nurse. She had left some notes because I had filed out their questionnaire and I had wrote that I have severe memory loss. Which I do. I forget everything 5 seconds later and she asked me about it so I just told her I assumed it was normal from my fibro.  But she acted like it might not be. Like maybe it’s something to worry about.  I don’t know I never worried about it before but she kind of had me a little bit worried.  Then a few days later I go to my GP doctor which was not too long ago.  I guess the nurse had put notes in my chart.  So, he questioned me about it and I’m thinking oh wow she really was worried because she put notes in there for my GP doctor. Which so he did a little test on me and thank goodness it came out the way it did.  Because it proves that I do not have Alzheimer’s or dementia. That it is literally just because of my fibromyalgia. Which on another note is kind of sad. It’s because the fibromyalgia is so bad and distracts my brain because my brain is so busy fighting it that it can’t hold on to things memory wise unless I really want to hold on to it.  I literally have to concentrate hard. Like say it over and over in my brain. I remember last year I forgot to give my daughter lunch for cross-country so I forget important things. That was just one that got to me the most because it’s my daughter and food you know and apparently you got to feed them to grow them and so they live. Things like that haha. Anyways so the great news is I do not have Alzheimer’s or dementia. It is just once again because of my stupid fibro. Thank God! It’s probably the only time I’d ever said thank God it’s my stupid fibro. 

    Tax free

       So this past weekend was our tax-free weekend here on ohio.  It’s only on school clothes, shoes and supplies up to $75.00. It was nice. We had such a great day.  We went shopping on Friday morning.  We left the house around 10am. shopped all day.  Got home around 7pm. Yes it only lasted all day. My daughter is particular but She got some great deals.  My son is so laid-back. He don’t care. He just goes with the flow.  We walked in, we shopped and we shopped and we walked and we shopped some more.  Let me tell you how it felt. Now that’s a whole nother story. My legs hurt so bad. My entire body ached like nobody’s business and then to hear other people say oh my legs I felt like if you only knew but we got through it. The next day I was super sore. I definitely paid for it. The plus side was we had lunch at White Castle which we don’t get very often because we don’t live near one but we are all set and ready for school.  They start on the 17th of August and I will have my quiet time back. How fabulous.