I hate fibromyalgia, I hate fibromyalgia…… UGH. So I’m still in a fibro flare. My whole body hurts. Everything, everywhere… So I almost forgot why I started this blog, other than the fact that I love to write. It of course was because of my fibro. Which I’m not sure if you know that i hate. So fibromyalgia is really still new to me. I had never even heard of it untill I got it. I know my sister has had it for years and had told me probably a lot, I’m not sure, but i never even really heard her because I don’t remember her saying anything fibro. All i heard was something is wrong. I guess because I never heard of the word fibro so it just never stuck with me. Then back in 2012 I noticed something was different with me. Then I realized something had to be wrong. my wrist hurt when I write and craw or put pressure on them. I was also exhausted all the time. Everyone would always say that it’s just because I was getting old. Mind you I was only 33 years old. As time went on I felt worse, but just dealt with it the best I could. Then in the summer of 2015 My life changed a lot. We bought a new home which was amazing and I got custody of my sisters brand new baby boy Kaegen whom I call Boogie and or Jax. 🙂 I no longer have custody of him, but he is very much in my life.
Anyway after having him for almost 3 months I was in a lot of pain. The pain got worse daily. I was so afraid I might drop him because I had lost strength in my hands and dropped things often, I still do. I was in so much pain by august of 2015 that I would lay there and cry all the time because NOTHING would help take the pain away anymore. I went to doctor after doctor and had test after test. Finally I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. What the heck is fibromyalgia?? So I researched it like crazy. After time I realized i needed to change some things in my life, the certain way I may do things and simply change the way i live my life.
I also like to talk about my fibro. I feel like I just want the people who love me to know what it is. To know whats wrong with me and I really thought they would want to know everything, but finally one day I had the realization that others really don’t want to learn about fibromyalgia. That all they want to know is my diagnoses and that I’m getting help. I mean they want me to be ok, but that’s about all they really care about. Although I had that realization it still hadn’t clicked that they also don’t really want to know about my current pains and issues. So, I would still talk about them. Like today. I’m in such a fibro flare. I’ve been having issues the last few days and every day I’ve gotten worse. My flare is worse today than yesterday and will be even worse tomorrow than today if I don’t get some rest. So I’m happy I’m off tomorrow.
It’s so hard to explain what I’m actually going through. Everything from head to my toes hurt. I feel ach’s, cramps here and there, numbness, tingling, brain fog, exhaustion, emotional, tired,… ect. Bla, bla, bla….Best way to explain is to say that I feel as though I have the flu, But we know I’m not that lucky. I wish that’s all that was wrong with me. Ugh. I’ve followed all my medication directions during flare up’s. (I have different flare up directions to follow from my doc.),but a big helper to calm my flare is to relax. Relax, relax, relax. Which I had to work the last couple of days and we had our Easter holiday. So family things going on. Which I love, but I have come to learn that relaxing does more for my fibro than I had ever imagined possible.
Anyway, I had then realized nobody really want’s to hear about my suffering either. Which does hurt my heart because I already feel so alone and scared because I actually am alone in this fibro world. I always wish I could like put a blanket over the people who love me that would let them know what I feel for a day or even half of a day, but something so that they really know. Like a Harry Potter fibro cloak. Especially because they don’t even ever seem to care that I’m in pain and or hurting. Nobody ever seems to acknowledge that I’m hurting and suffering which hurts me so much. Makes me so sad and lonely. Don’t get me wrong because sometimes I get some kind of act of care, but not often. and sometimes my daughter will out right get annoyed at me for asking for help and mad once I demand it. So I thought Maybe I should write my fibro experience in a blog. That hopefully I can also help someone and or teach along the way. So I try not to talk about my fibro issues so much anymore and just write about it. Well I guess I didn’t realize I still do. My daughter who is so rude told me that she’s sick of hearing about how my clothes don’t fit me and I can’t find nothing to wear. That I talk about it every single day over and over. (Which that’s due to my recent weight gain because I quit smoking last July.) Also that she’s sick of hearing about my fibro over and over every single day and that it’s all I talk about all day every day.Her little mean attack started because I had said I don’t feel good and she replied with ugh, I don’t care and then she went on to tell me what I wrote above. So of course I cried. That really did break my heart. She then has the nerve to ask me whats wrong. I thought Really??? although I didn’t answer her. I just came to my bed room. Then I remembered that’s why I started the blog. To help others and to not drive the people around me crazy. So here I am. I truly hope I help at least one person.