Babies’???

Pregnancy,,,, That feeling of someone you love like no other growing inside of you. Nothing can compare, NOTHING!! Oh my, but again pregnancy… ugh side of it. Uncomfortable, sweaty, nauseous, constipation, vomiting, miserable, giving birth…ect,  but then that beautifully perfect baby in your arms after.                                                              Do I really want to do all of that again or not??? IDK. ugh… I was so sure I was done and  I have 2 wonderfully imperfect but perfect for me children. Actually teens… But why do I suddenly feel so confused? I was fine and then my husband got a vasectomy.                         I guess growing up I always assumed I’d have 3 children, although im not sure why I always assumed that. Plus I always wanted a boy first because I always wished I had an older brother. I have no clue why about that either. I’m the oldest of my 2 sisters and step sisters. All together there was 7 of us. Plus 5 God siblings who half grew up in our home as well. Also very close cousins around all the time. One of which is finally older than me and more like my big sister, whom is dear to my heart.  My childhood was loud, full of children and great memory’s.                                                                                                        Anyway, I did have a boy first. Naven, whom is almost 17. Then my daughter Rylie whom will be 13 on April 28th.  After we had her life just did it’s thing and kept moving on. At some point I felt like yep I’m done. Then I got Custody of my nephew Kaegen for a few months after birth. Then my mother took over custody. His whole life my mother and I have been parenting him. So I always say I have 2 1/2 kids. He will be 2 in june. So I felt for sure I was done having babies’.  Kaegen was the hardest and still is the hardest child I’ve ever taken care of. So please no more babies’…     Right???                                        Oh man the images and thoughts that have run through my head since his vasectomy.        What is wrong with me??? I almost told him I now want another baby. Ughhh. I think the possibility being gone scares me. I didn’t want anymore but having the option made me feel secure. So now what? Do I have another baby because I’m scared I might someday regret not having one? Will I always have this feeling? Or will this feeling pass? Ugh. Plus having fibro will make everything so hard and I already never know what my day to day life is. I just hate the feeling of all this confusion in my head…

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