Vacation and such

   Hello, It’s me again… ohh, my legs hurts so bad right now…

   Anyway so I know it’s been awhile since I last wrote. About little over a week.   I’ve been on here reading and commenting on others, but haven’t actually written.

   So at this point I have not yet heard from any psychiatrist to set me up to go see them. Although referrals seem to  always take forever. The new med I started still seems the same as when I first started it so no complaints there.

   We are about to head off for our family vacation. We are driving to Pilot Grove Missouri. We have family there. We have been there once before. They bought a new house that we are excited to see. Plus we miss the fam 🙂 They are my husband’s  favorite cousin’s family. So we are all pretty close considering our living distance. They were always super tight, Best friends. Two peas in a pod. :))

   They have 7 kids 9  in the family total. The 2 oldest girls have moved out. but still so much fun with all of them. We’ve seen 3 of the 9 within the past year on different life adventures. ❤ Got to hang out with one of the boys for a week in florida last July and the parents met up with my husband and I in Michigan for a weekend last november to watch a michigan football game (GO BLUE) which we won :)) but we haven’t seen the rest of the crew for about 3 years or something.      Anyway we are so excited to go back to Missouri. We miss the family and It’s so beautiful there.

   If I ever left Ohio it would be to move there. No joke. I actually think about it from time to time. Thats how much I like it there.

   I am however worried about my stupid fibromyalgia. The long drive and all. I hope I at least make it through the week we are there before a flare hits me. I will have to remember to take it easy in every aspect. We are also all going to six flags together to, which my kids are so excited for because we don’t have one here in Ohio. but I’m worried about that as well. All the walking and I don’t want to hold anyone back. I thought about getting a scooter thing. I know I probably should but then my self-esteem is like ” really??” ugh. I guess I’ll just have to play it by ear and see how I feel at the time.

   Well, I guess I’ve ranted and raved  enough. I will keep you all posted. 🙂

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Talking makes it hurt

  

   So, I went to a new Doctor. A Pain Management Doctor. I can’t remember his name although I probably shouldn’t post it publicly anyway.

   We talked a lot about my fibromyalgia. He seemed to know a lot about it too. Which was impressive to me. I don’t know why but it was.

   He added another med to my list of meds. I feel like a junior pharmacy at this point. Haha. But I will give him credit on it because I can tell the difference at this point.

   It has helped a lot with my everyday life. Not so much with the stairs though. They are still hard for me. At least at this  point they are.

   I actually had to scoot down them last night because my bones in my legs hurt too much to come down on my feet like a normal person. Almost like my bones were splitting or breaking. So I said forget this and scooted down on my rear. Thank God I was at home 🙂 Hopefully in time that gets better.

   Anyway back to why I was writing. So talking to my new Doc seemed great untill the end. He had said some stupid  and contradicting things.

   First he asked if I have joined any fibro groups. I said yes on Facebook. He says they sound just like you right? In the way you feel? I said oh yes, for sure. He had said that it’s good that I joined the groups.

   I said I also started a blog to talk and vent. I know my family has to be sick of hearing about it.

   He then says that I shouldn’t talk about it. That the more I talk about it the more it will hurt. It seemed he don’t think my blogging is a good idea.

   He then gave me a story about when he was a kid and basically said every time he tells the story it hurts. Which I get that, but that’s your feelings. Not actual pain.

   I talk because im already in pain and because I read thing’s or trying to learn about my disease. Things like that. Also because it helps me mentally to talk about it. I’d be worse off if I didn’t talk. I don’t know, maybe im different.

   He also said he is referring me to a psychiatrist because he thinks I need to accept it, that i have fibromyalgia and once I accept it, that it wont hurt as bad.

   I don’t know why he thinks I havn’t accepted it. Whatever. And it wont hurt as bad. What?? Also contradicts his don’t talk about it thing because that’s what I’d be doing there. Duh Doc. Whatever.

   I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to play the game to get relief from this stupid disease. Hopefully the shrink does really help me. We will see. Update on shrink to come:)

LOVE TO KNOW

  What causes fibromyalgia???

   Why me???

   This I would love to know.

   As would any and all who suffer from this awful disease.

   I’ve read about so many different theory’s from Doctors and researchers.

   Of course they each believe they have the answer or are on the right track, yet there theory will be completely different from the next so???

   I’ve read things like it’s caused because of our blood has an imbalance or we ate so much bad food that now our gut is sending out this and that which makes our bodies’ imbalanced.

    That it’s from an imbalance in our brains or it’s from a trauma, an old illness, or that it’s genetic or stress. even poor physical condition. also muscle trama, hormonal disturbances, and so on and so on …ect. Basicly it’s caused by everything and nothing all at the same time.

   How freaking lovely right?

   I do have some of my own theory’s like I think it probably is genetic and I think you probably do have symptoms all your life, I believe these because of my own experience but I could be wrong.

   I can’t wait to find out though.

   Not only because it will lead to our pain  management and cure but also because I like to know why about everything.

   If something is wrong with me, my family, my car or T.V. I want to know why and how it happened.

   I guess so I can try to prevent it in the future or fix it now.

  I would also love to have some type of evidence that I have it.

   Even a simple dot on my arm or purple finger nails. Haha. Purple is my favorite so I wouldn’t mind. 🙂 but something would be great!!IMG_20170520_232652

Paycheck

   So, my for sure craziest memory lapse story from my fibro fog is about my paycheck.

   I had my nephew that day. No surprise there and I had a list of things I needed to get done. Stop here, go there, do this and that anndd cash paycheck. My last and final thing on my list was grocery shopping. Makes sence because cold stuff should be taken home asap.

   Well I thought I had completed all my arends IMG_20170604_234453and so I went grocery shopping.

   Kaegen was definitely done with this day by time we made it to checkout and had started acting up.  That only made things worse.

   When the cashier was almost done ringing up my food I smacked my forehead saying OH MY GOSH…. The cashier looks and me and says , WHAT??? I said I just realized I forgot to cash my check. The man in line behind me looked at me but didn’t say a word. The cashier then told me to run over to the service desk, that nobody was there so she could cash it right now.

   So I grab Kaegen and my purse and we go over there. I give her all my stuff and go figure Kaegen keeps running off. I’m so embarrassed. I can’t wait to leave this store. All I can do is apologize over and over to everyone.

   Finally we leave with our grocerys.  Man oh mighty, That is a day I will always remember. Thanks fibro fog.IMG_20170604_234351

HUH??

       My memory,,, WOW. I know it’s common to be forgetful when you have fibro, but just wow. It’s called fibro fog and you forget a lot. I think maybe it’s because im in pain all the time and so pain is always on my mind.

   So if I don’t concentrate on what someone is telling me or even what im doing I forget. Heck even when im busy running errands I’ll forget what im doing, where im going, or why I am where I am.

   One day I went through the line at Starbucks and couldn’t remember what I was doing there. I’ve even done something crazy like get in my car and realize I brought something with me from the house but don’t know why and don’t even remember picking it up.

    Sometimes I even go completely blank like my brain isn’t working at all.  Like I could totally be talking to a nurse or someone and be completely blank as to what meds I’m on or any kind of information about myself.

   It’s so crazy. Talking to someone and not even know what my point was. Idk.

    It just seems to happen a lot. If my memory were better I could come up with way better examples. ugh. huh, idk, lol I sure hope I don’t forget my name…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pooped

  So I had my nephew the other day. He’s almost 2 years old. (Actually next month, June 11th is his 2nd birthday.) So, he had said to me “let’s go for a walk” and so we did. We walked half way around the block. Then stopped at my mother in-laws for a break and ate an ice cream sandwich. Which was a nice little break for me. Then we finished up walking the rest of the way around our block. At some point toward the end I was carrying Kaegen because he didn’t want to walk anymore but, when we finally got home I sat there in my living room soooo ready for a nap. I was totally pooped. I couldn’t even get back up for a while. I can’t belive how wore out and sore that walk had made me. Ugh… My golly…. It wasn’t like we were speed walking. Which once again proves my point that doctors are crazy, because one of the things they say I should do is a little bit faster than a walk daily for 10 minutes. That it’s suppose to help manage my pain. WHAT?  REALLY? No not my fibro. It kills me. So try again doc…

People

   People always forget that I have fibro, which is a disability.   😦                                                                                   I can’t do everything that I should be able to do.         Like pick up or hold heavy things, Move things, and  Have energy. Simple stuff. “People” are always like hey will you? Can you? I need you to….Then because I’m so strong-minded and all. I will usually do whatever asked of me. Of course I pay the price later, But it’s hard not to do things that you know you physically can only shouldn’t.

   And then on the flip side of that is if  I say I can’t “people” get confused. They get this look on their face or in their voice. Like what??? Like they think im bull shitting them, but nope im not. I’m a disabled young mother. And yes it sucks… So when I tell them no and they get that weird look or sound in their voice I say, my fibro, remember? I can’t. Sorry. Then they always say oh yeah I forgot or I always forget. Which I do understand because I forget about others limitations as well, but when this happens to me I feel like im letting them down. I hate that feeling.

   I want to be all that I can and should be. I sure wish I could, but I am limited. So what I need to focus on is my happiness, gracefulness, humbleness, gratefulness , family, and my health. 🙂

Feeling better

   So, my leg’s have been feeling much better lately. I’m sure it has a lot to do with me not working, but I can’t help thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have quit. That I don’t want to give up so easily. I don’t want to be a baby. I also know it does cause me more pain to do it though. First my wrists just killed me. Like pain level 100 and then my legs were pain level 100. It’s just much easier to deal and or fake it to make it when my pain level is at least on the pain chart. 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Fibro just suck’s!!!  

Wheelchair

  UGH, My legs’… I hate them, I hate them, I hate them…

   So as I was trying to shop at the store today for thing’s we need. Food, house hold item’s and odds n ends. I realized I can barely make it on my own two leg’s anymore. It was so hard. I was in so much pain just shopping for my family. UGH, I HATE THIS… I held as much of my weight as I could onto my arms. which were across the cart. That way not as much pressure was on my leg’s. Which helped a little. But not really.  😦  Which suck’s because I like to take my time, walk the store and look for good deals. I’m not so sure I can do that anymore. I’m not sure how long I’m going to have use of my leg’s period… They just hurt so bad.                                                                                                            IMG_20170512_211119                            After I got into my car and began driving home I had a realization. I think I’m going to need a wheelchair very soon. Much sooner than I had ever imagined Especially if I’m doing a lot of walking. Like at the store.  I also should probably have someone come with me for help. IMG_20170512_211227                            This just isn’t fair. I’m not even 40 yet. What has my life become?? I feel so pathetic. So useless. An embarrassment and a nuisance. I just want to be me.

   Have I mentioned I HATE FIBROMYALGIA?? What a life I’m living. For the rest of my life. This is going to suck so bad. IMG_20170512_211254                            And people are going to look at me like I’m crazy and or lazy because I look fine. Well, other than the weird way I may be walking.

   I don’t know if I’m suppose to keep pushing and be strong or if I should cave in and get a wheelchair? I wish I had someone with answers for me.

   This struggle is so real.